A divided heart

But all the while, Balaam's heart was divided - he was infatuated with the idea of getting rich. And although he couldn't curse in the name of God, he did get an idea: If Baw-LAWK could put a tumbling block in front of the Israelites, then God Himself would be forced to curse them. (Ron Daniels 2 Peter 2:10)

FATHER, reading about Balaam’s “divided heart” really struck a nerve in me. Knowing what Your will is and looking for a way around it because my will wants what it wants. Choosing - because ultimately it is a choice - wrongly. I can choose correctly 99 times but that 1 wrong choice haunts me and the enemy starts taunting me. It just goes to show, how much I need You; Your grace and tender mercies, because I can NOT make it on my own. The persevering is continuing on, even when I stumble, knowing You are with me, holding me, loving me, forgiving me, transforming me, completing the work You have begun in me. I am amazed and humbled and so very, very grateful.

. . . not loss of being but loss of well being.

FATHER, I’m back in 2 Peter and reading about false teachers and destructive heresies, which lead to “the loss of well being, not being”.  I had to stop and think about this as it describes what separation from You is like  -  death, but not annihilation. You have given me that sense of “well being” that seems to transcend the difficulties and hard places in my life; that anchor that hold me and steadies me in the storms.  I don’t totally understand why it’s this way, I’m just so grateful that it’s there – that quiet confidence of knowing that everything is going to be alright.  That “well being” is because I know that You are with me – that I am never alone, and what ever comes, we (You and I) will get through it.  I know sometimes I get a little shaky when I start the “what if”s – and I’m really sorry I allow myself to go there.  But You always come and calm me, strengthen me, allow me to cry as You wrap Your arms around me and speak peace and quiet to my soul. You are so amazing, Your goodness and faithfulness. . . the more I seek You, the more I find You and the more I find You the more I love You. The greatest joy in my life is loving and being loved by YOU!

Listening

It’s interesting – I had a good friend called me up yesterday to say she just needed someone to “listen” to her,  and so we met after work and she talked about a situation that was causing her pain and I basically just listened – a nod hear, a sigh there, mostly just being with her.  It was the second time this week that I’ve been called upon to be a listener.  Yet for me, I find it hard to be the one listened to, which is why I think I spend so much time journaling and writing to my Father, my Abba.  Even then it takes time for me to really understand what it is I want to say that conveys what’s really going on inside.  It has to do with being honest and truthful with myself first and others second (Father already knows the truth about me but loves me anyway).    I’m not sure what my point is or if I even have a point, but these conversations cause me to look more deeply at my life and in so doing, help me to see more and more my need to surrender and rest in Him. . . and listen.