from hardness of heart

ABBA, forgive me for my own hardness of heart.  In an effort to not “feel” hurt or pain, I’ve built a wall around my heart. I don’t believe it was in rebellion or intentionally a rejection of You – but it gets in the way and I am truly sorry and humbly ask that You will help me to tear it down. There is a balance or an appropriate way to protect my heart – but it’s allowing You to be my defender; rather than a wall, to provide a fence to keep out the things that could damage my heart, while allowing those things that will cause me to be more like Jesus to come through . . . and only You know which is which. More of You, Lord and less of me.

Back to reality

ABBA Father, I’m having a melt-down.  After a week away – rested yet not at rest.  I am so sorry that I let the cares of life rob me of the joy that You give.  I see it as a sin against You, because it reveals a lack of trust . . . a fearfulness that something bad will happen and “I” won’t be able to handle it . . . as if “I” can really handle anything on my own.  I feel so out of control and it scares me.  I don’t want to feel this way, but that’s all it is – a feeling.  There’s this dialog in my head – that I somehow don’t measure up – which in truth I don’t – a feeling of inadequacy . . . again, feelings.  Show me what I need to learn from this, use this to draw me closer to You, make a change in me to be more in love with You, to be more in Your will, centered and steadied in You. 

I am sorry and I am grateful, that once again -  You have come to my rescue, Your peace that passes understanding does sustain me, Your joy does fill me and Your presence is so much more than I could ever hope for – just knowing that You are near, that You are here with me, is more than enough for what ever may come my way.

You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore. (Psa. 16:11)

It's personal

Abba, FATHER, how utterly amazing You are and how blessed I am to be Your child.  Sitting here this morning, thinking about so many different and random things – and then recalling the scene at the end of John’s gospel.   How You asked Peter twice, “do you love me” and Peter’s answer “yes, Lord, I like You” and then You asking “Peter, do You like me” . . . You knew he couldn’t rise up to Your level of love, Your agape for him and so You came down to his level and met him where he was – in his humility and his shame over his denial of You . . . in his brokenness.   

And then recalling how You came to me, when I couldn’t seem to rise up to You, You came down to me and met me where I was – and loved me, in spite of my own weakness and brokenness.  There are no words, my precious Lord, my dearest friend – only a heart filled with a desire to worship and adore You.

Musings on church history

"As I have been talking about early church history (2nd and 3rd century) we do see a good bit of that confusion. But these people were pioneers, leading the way in doing the great work of defending the faith, stating the faith, and living the faith. We honor them for that even though they made many mistakes. It was a time of productive confusion. . .The church had to try to decide what really is allowable, what is true and what is not. Gradually there was an answer to that question. We call that answer “orthodoxy,” the orthodox position of the church. “Orthodoxy” means “right belief.” And we call everything else heresies. Originally that word simply meant “an opinion,” “a party,” or “group.” But eventually it came to mean something that is wrong, something that is opposed to true teaching."

This is a quote from a study on church history I’m reading.  It’s interesting to me that through out much of the church’s history there have been areas of division, points on which two (or more) sides can’t seem to agree.  

I do appreciate all those who wrestled with these issues and believe it was necessary to establish parameters of truth. 

I just sometimes wonder if the church, like the rabbinical Jews, spent too much time focusing on “doctrine” (which means teaching, much like the word torah) and not enough on just following Jesus.  We seem to like well defined “rules” that we can point to and say this is right and this is wrong.  If we really understand loving the Father, loving one another and living loved, it just seems we wouldn’t need to be so concerned with defining it.

Augustine is attributed with saying “"In essentials unity, in non-essentials liberty, in all things charity.”  I guess the question has always been, what are the “essentials”.  I think that’s a reason why the Father gives us His Spirit, so that we can discern what is essential and leave the rest in His hands. 

Morning musings and random thoughts . . .

FATHER, thinking this morning about obedience, the law – morally and ritually – Old and New, one and the same, mysteries revealed – being “in Christ”.  What does obedience look like to You, how do You define it? Shadows and types of things to come. To do the will of Him who sent me. Obedience is not the “cause” of our salvation but the “result” of it and should flow from our new lives hidden in You before the foundations of this world.  Confess with your mouth and believe with your heart – and you shall be saved.  Trust and obey – these are so closely connected as to be the sides of the same coin.  I think the problem comes when we start trying to emphasize one over the other as necessary for, when both are the result of – Your grace freely given to those who call upon Your name.

Your Holy Spirit, set as a seal upon our hearts, indwelling us, abiding in us so that we can abide in You – to know and to be known by You, one by one, each individually and uniquely belonging to You – one of many, a part of the whole, Your body. What a marvelous mystery.

To the praise of God’s glory

FATHER, it’s not something You need, or even require or a way of manipulation . . . it’s simply because of the great and awesome things You have done and continue to do – it’s because of the great and awesome God that You are.  I don’t know that I will ever be able to grasp or fully understand the depth and breadth of Who You are, my brain just isn’t capable of such wonder.  I am reminded of my hearts desire – To make knowing and enjoying You the passionate pursuit of my life.  This is my hearts desire and I’m sorry and my heart is grieved when I lose sight of this, of You.  I just want more of You and less of me. 

I want Yours to be the voice I hear, the voice I listen to and obey.  Forgive me for listening to a critical spirit, which demands and expects more of others, that takes offense over things that are not really offendable or that judges in areas where love should be applied.  Rather than arguing help me to really listen and hear.  Where there is disagreement – show me how to choose ways of maintaining relationship, of building bridges rather than walls . . . to think more of others than of myself.  I want these things, FATHER and I know that the desire to see them in my life comes from You and that You will complete what You have begun in me. Thank You that I belong to You – always and forever more – I am Yours!

In His hands

ABBA FATHER, I’m not sure just “where” I am at the moment, but do believe I’m close to Your heart and that Your hand, Your blessing rests upon me.  I desire to know You and to be known by You – starting in the depth of me and moving out into every part of me and my life.  I struggle, with feelings of unworthiness – which in part come from a belief that I’m not “doing” enough with all that I have been given, that I’m not being a “good” steward.  I know that I am not saved by anything I do – but how I live my life is a reflection of my relationship with You, it’s a testimony of Who You are and I don’t want to disappoint You in any way.  I feel so small and insignificant in Your kingdom.  Perhaps that is my part . . . and if so, that’s okay with me.  I just want to be the best “me” I can be for You and for Your glory.  I am trusting that You will complete the work You have begun in me.